On the hottest day of summer, without fail, my son loves to dress himself in the coziest and warmest of sweatpants. With which I repeatedly and gently tell him that in the 100-degree summer heat, it’s not the best wardrobe choice to be running around in at the park. Especially because as his mother, I know the probability of him telling me he’s “too hot” (and requesting for an outfit change) is highly likely. In these scenarios, I’ve often successfully convinced him to do otherwise through gentle parenting. But other times, I know I’ve resorted to “FAFO parenting,” otherwise known as “F*ck Around and Find Out.” Meaning, in the sweatpants example, he’ll have the natural consequence of sweating it out at the park.
If you haven’t heard of FAFO parenting, the acronym has notably been heard on Kylie Kelce’s podcast, Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce, and other news outlets. But what is FAFO parenting, and are there any considerations parents should be aware of with this parenting technique? I reached out to clinical psychologist, mom of three, New York Times bestselling author, and founder of Good Inside Dr. Becky Kennedy, who also addressed the topic on her podcast to break down what FAFO parenting is, whether she recommends it for parents to use, and more.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside
Dr. Becky is a clinical psychologist, mom of three, NYT bestselling author of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, TED speaker, podcast host, and founder of Good Inside. Through her work, she takes everything she knows about attachment, mindfulness, emotion regulation, internal family systems theory, and translates these ideas into a method for working with parents, giving parents a better way to see and solve challenges in their homes.
Key Takeaways
- F*ck Around and Find Out Parenting, or otherwise known as FAFO parenting, is the idea of letting kids experience consequences to their actions, either after giving them guidance or no guidance at all.
- According to Dr. Becky, FAFO parenting “doesn’t seem like the best alternative.”
- If this approach is taken too far, Dr. Becky says, “It risks ignoring the fact that parents are still authority figures,” or figures that children can turn to for guidance.
- According to parents, FAFO parenting is allowing kids to learn from their mistakes while still under the supervision of their parents.
- When considering FAFO parenting, Dr. Becky suggests that parents can teach children responsibility and independence while still teaching them accountability.
- Parents can also intentionally help their children develop systems to make them successful, and they can find balance between parenting styles that work for them.
What is FAFO parenting?
F*ck Around and Find Out Parenting, or otherwise known as FAFO parenting, is the idea of letting kids experience consequences to their actions, either after giving them guidance or no guidance at all. Ultimately, this form of parenting teaches them a lesson on their own through consequences.
Dr. Becky uses the example of when a child forgets their homework at home. The consequence of forgetting homework can look like receiving a docked grade on an assignment. Parents may justify their approach of not reminding their child to bring their homework to school with, “It’s not my job to pack their bag for them,” says Dr. Becky. Other examples include a child being cold after choosing not to wear a coat with freezing temps outside, repeatedly throwing a toy and it breaking, or staying up late only to be exhausted the next day.
Why parents are embracing FAFO parenting
Parents today have access to an overabundance of advice, parenting styles, and “right” ways to do things. But choosing whether to gentle parent or lighthouse parent or elephant parent in the day-to-day moments—like when your kid refuses their winter coat—can feel overwhelming. And FAFO parenting can feel like a simpler, “old school” approach. For parents embracing this strategy and dumping gentle parenting altogether, though, Dr. Becky cautions it may be “a sign that [parents are] feeling overwhelmed and need to find a way to parent with less stress.”
Is the FAFO approach good?
This approach has some favorable aspects to it, like the fact that it “offers a kind of freedom [for parents] from constant worry and information overload [on how to parent],” states Dr. Becky, but “we have to be careful.” According to Dr. Becky, FAFO parenting “doesn’t seem like the best alternative.” If this approach is taken too far, she says, “It risks ignoring the fact that parents are still authority figures,” or figures that children can turn to for guidance.
When do parents use FAFO parenting?
Some parents have also weighed in with their perspectives on FAFO parenting. One parent stated, “Whenever I feel the pull to be a FAFO parent, it comes from the place of I’ve already warned them. They should know already, so the only good option left is letting them find out.” Another parent commented that it is “used on things that are non-life-threatening” and wouldn’t land their child in the emergency room. According to parents, FAFO parenting is allowing kids to learn from their mistakes while still under the supervision of their parents.
What to consider when using the FAFO method
The Good Inside founder highlights that parenting isn’t about letting kids struggle without support “but rather about teaching them to handle their struggles independently with guidance.” In her podcast episode on FAFO parenting, she mentions that parents have the power to ‘throw out’ parenting strategies and tailor them as needed. “You can kind of take the principle of it and turn it into something [you] would say,” adds Dr. Becky. Dr. Becky recommends the following when incorporating the FAFO parenting style.
Accountability is key
FAFO parenting allows children to learn through consequences. However, Dr. Becky notes that parents can teach children responsibility and independence while still teaching them about accountability.
Think about the intention
In order to build accountability within kids, parents can intentionally help their children develop systems to make them successful. For example, if a child continues to forget their schoolwork at home or to do it at all, the intention is to help them figure out how to remember on their own. Dr. Becky recommends that instead of sitting back completely to say, “I’m not going to put your homework in your bag anymore. Let’s think about how we can make this easier for you. Maybe [you can make] a reminder on your desk?”
Find balance
Finding a balance that works for your family is something to consider. It’s not about stepping in to solve every issue like helicopter parenting suggests, and it’s also not about stepping away completely like with the FAFO parenting tactic.
Finding which parenting style to use in every moment is truly a balancing act. There are pros and cons to FAFO parenting, and like parents have mentioned, there is a time and place for it. With that said, when my son decides that he wants to wear shorts on the coldest day of winter, I won’t be surprised if I’ll have to use this method.
Patty Schepel, Editorial Assistant
As the editorial assistant, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. With Patty’s passion for writing, experience as a mother of two, and expertise as a pediatric nurse, she brings a thoughtful and informative perspective to The Everymom. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.
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