If there’s one thing you need to know about me, it’s that I’m a people pleaser. I’m the person who never wants to cause a fuss, never wants to be a bother, and who would rather any attention be focused just about anywhere but on me. As any people pleaser will tell you, there can be a definite downside to this. During massages, I’m often hesitant to tell a masseuse they’re hurting me; I’ve never had the guts to tell a hairstylist when I don’t like a cut; I’ve been known to take on unnecessary tasks as favors to others, despite having little to no time myself. But I never imagined this would spill over into a traumatic birth experience.
With almost four years of space since I had my first baby via emergency C-section, I can now say with clarity that the experience was one where my desire to not make a scene failed me. When I found myself undergoing an emergency C-section with failed anesthesia, I most definitely should have been causing a scene. And it was only years later, after learning my problem wasn’t unique, that I realized it. Here’s what happened and what I want other women to know.
Trigger warning: This article details a traumatic birth experience and an emergency cesarean section.
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A failed epidural
Let me back up a little bit, because there’s a lot more to the story. At 41 weeks pregnant, my doctors induced labor to kickstart my daughter’s eviction from a home she had become very comfortable in. For the first few hours, the process was pretty chill; contractions were light, I could move around, and I had a wonderful nurse with whom I felt comfortable and confident.
In fact, it was when the nurses switched over for the night shift and my first nurse changed that things really took a turn. Before heading out for the night, our first nurse mentioned that, if the doctor had to break my water, I should ask to have an epidural beforehand.
A few hours later, it was suggested that my water be broken to speed things along. However, when I asked for an epidural, I was told that the anesthesiologist was busy and that if I didn’t have my water broken, then they wouldn’t be able to come back and do it for a while. The doctor and my new nurse seemed slightly annoyed at my questioning, so, wanting to “win them back,” I gave them the go-ahead to break my water.
It was a mistake.
Immediately, I understood why the epidural was suggested, as the contractions came hard and fast. About an hour later, the anesthesiologist came in and administered an epidural, telling me I should become numb within a few minutes.
I did not.
An unexpected C-section with failed anesthesia
For the next several hours, I told my nurse again and again that I could still feel every contraction and that I could move my legs. She assured me that what I was feeling was “pressure” and that an epidural dulls the pain, but doesn’t get rid of it completely. I’ve always considered my tolerance for pain pretty high, so I was a little taken aback by how much of it there still was even after an epidural. Again, I figured she knew what she was talking about, and I just kept on keeping on.
Eventually, the shifts changed again, and now I was told I could start pushing with a new nurse (this one was incredible). For three hours on and off, I pushed, changing positions as we attempted to get my daughter out. At the end of three hours, I was told she was caught on the pelvic bone, and alternative options would need to be considered. In my case, that meant it was time for an emergency C-section.
Feeling pain during a C-section
Because I was given an epidural, the same port was used for anesthesia before going into surgery. I repeated a few times that I still felt a lot with the epidural, but was told the anesthesia would take away any sensation I had whatsoever.
After being prepped for surgery, there’s a part where the doctor will test the area with a sharp object, confirming whether or not you can feel anything. I felt what seemed to be pinpricks, and let him know immediately that there was sensation. They upped the dosage of the medication and then proceeded with the surgery.
For the first year or two after this happened, I told myself I must have been exaggerating this next part. But now, almost four years later, and having experienced a second C-section since, I can say with absolute assurance: I felt everything. It wasn’t the “pressure” they kept talking about, or suction, or anything—it was the feeling of surgery without a proper anasthetic.
“Having experienced a second C-section since, I can say with absolute assurance: I felt everything.”
The moment the surgeon cut in, I screamed, followed by what could only be described as a full-blown panic attack as the reality of what was happening took hold. Moments later, I was sedated with nitrous oxide, numbing me to the pain but also to the reality of the world as my daughter was born. I look back with a lot of sadness at that part, as I was unable to hold or interact with my daughter in her first moments of life because I was so loopy and out of it.
Having my first baby was completely different from what I had dreamed of—instead of skin-to-skin bonding, I spent the next few hours just trying to keep my eyes open.
Learning I wasn’t alone
Since it was my first baby, I spent far too much time thinking this was all “normal.” That is, until I stumbled upon a New York Times podcast series called The Retrievals, all about the stories of women who underwent C-sections with failed anasthesia. Turns out, it’s not “normal,” but 100,000 women a year experience significant pain during their C-sections.
“100,000 women a year experience significant pain during their C-sections.”
I listened to the first episode, and my jaw was on the floor as a woman described a situation that sounded identical to my own: a failed epidural, being told the pain was “pressure,” feeling everything as the doctor cut into her.
What I originally thought was an unfortunate experience for me was sounding more and more like the widespread problem of ignoring women’s pain. Women felt pressured not to admit to their pain, and doctors seemed uninformed about the reality of it.
Having a second C-section with anesthesia
About a month later, I gave birth to my second child, and his birth solidified the fact that I was not imagining things during the C-section with my daughter. This time, the C-section was planned, and the anesthesiologist who performed the spinal tap pre-surgery dropped a bombshell on me: I have scoliosis. He asked if I had ever been diagnosed with it before, specifically during my first C-section, as it can make receiving a spinal tap a lot trickier. I told him I hadn’t, and asked if that could have affected an epidural (he confirmed it absolutely would have).
My second C-section confirmed to me that “pressure” is much different than pain, and that there is a massive difference in the feeling (or lack of) of anasthesia working versus not. In many ways, the second delivery was healing, affirming the trauma I felt from my first birth and finally letting me accept it so I could heal.
What I recommend to other women preparing for childbirth
I don’t share my story to scare people—in fact, quite the opposite. I learned so much from my first birth that I feel lucky to be able to share my lessons learned. Here’s what I tell my friends and would recommend to other women to help them feel more prepared and empowered going into childbirth.
Hire a doula
First, I recommend that everyone have a doula. Despite taking the childbirth classes, when you’re in the thick of everything, it can be hard to know what your options are. Having a doula is almost like having a neutral third party, one who is there to advocate for you and your baby, and knows what the process entails. I think having a doula with me could have prevented me from getting my water broken before I was comfortable, and also could have helped me understand what was and wasn’t normal with pain post-epidural.
Prepare for an unexpected C-section
Now, I also recommend that my friends research and prepare for a C-section. I know for myself, I knew it was a possibility, but I saw it as a remote one that I’d deal with if I had to. One in three live births in the U.S. will be performed by a C-section, and I wish my birth plan had included anticipation in case of one.
Trust yourself and speak up
And third, trust your gut and speak up. Both my husband and I look back with such regret that we did not stand up for me throughout the experience. Entirely too much of the time, I basically gaslit myself into believing I wasn’t in pain because the doctor told me I shouldn’t be feeling it. Obviously, that was not the case, and I wish I had cared less about angering anyone and more for my own physical and mental well-being and care.
Final thoughts after a traumatic birth experience
I’m sad that the experience happened to me and so many others. But I’m also grateful that it’s something that’s being talked about and (hopefully!) more thoroughly researched. Because, as these stories show, it is a reality for many births. And while I don’t want that to scare anyone, I do hope it’s something that can help others prepare, advocate, and avoid for themselves.
Morgan Flaherty, Contributing Writer
Morgan is full-time writer, editor, and mom. Along with her work as a contributing writer for The Everymom on all things Disney World, beauty products, and the latest fashion trends, her writing has appeared in Well + Good, InStyle, Scary Mommy, Byrdie, and Baby Chick.
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